This is so messed up.

What you need to know!

I honestly believe things are going to be okay. They aren’t okay right now but I know that they can only get better. I think the biggest thing that bothers me is you hurting. I can’t say you won’t bring me down because this is they way best friends work. Your down I’m down. I love you more then anything in the world. You can never lose that and it will always be yours to take. I will be lost until you find what you’re looking for. There really isn’t anything wrong with the way you feel and how you’re not sure about things. This is okay. I’m here for you and I will do anything to help. If you wanna do something extreme i’m here with you. If you wanna just sit around and just not talk about anything and just be….there….I’m down. NO MATTER WHAT you will not lose me. If things don’t go well….we will fight through it. I will not leave you. I’m here to stay. Please understand that. I can’t just take someone that means the world to me and step out of their life. Not happening today, tomorrow, or ever. I don’t regret anything when it comes to you. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” 

On the side note…there is something I can not talk about without crying. I know I will talk about it another day but…I can’t talk about it at school. I’m not sure that I could stop myself from crying if I start. I’m hurting right now. I feel like I’m hiding behind this mask to the world and I’m tired of it. I want some people to know what makes me happy but I will never expect that. I will not ever do that to someone else because I know that it could hurt someone else. I just feel like because I am who I am…things have to be harder and things have to go through certain or more steps to be able to share the glory in the long run. It makes me miserable when I think like this and I’m sorry about that. I don’t see this as anyones fault. It’s just the process. I sure hope things get easier. Easier sounds nice. :/

This is my favorite song/video right now. I know i’m an idiot.

Circles

Angel

Angel: An attendant or guardian spirit.

Sometimes I feel like waking up tomorrow would be so pointless. I feel helpless and so insignificant to the rest of the world sometimes. I wish I could stop feeling this way and be better so I’m not depressed at you have one less thing on your plate. At one time I did think that killing myself would help you out. I thought about it for a really really really long time. That’s when I talked to you about it and you made me feel important. You made me feel loved and you gave me lots of hug. I didn’t….you did. That helped me. You saved me. I’m sorry that I get emotional sometimes like this. I didn’t want to leave on call because I know that I would just lose myself completely. I’m scared of a lot of things right now and I need to get my stuff together. Just know that I’m trying and that I’m better because of you. You are for sure my angel. I love to love you because I want you to have what you gave to me. You deserve it wether you believe me or not. It’s fact and I know that things will get better. I love you now and forever. Thank you.

Forever!

Im happy that I told you I love you in person and I’m glad it meant something to you. I know it’s weird but I’ve been trying to find the right moment to say it to you and to build myself up to say it. I didn’t want it to be ignored and I wanted it to mean something. As far as I know it meant something. I’m so happy that I have you in my life and I don’t think I could ever tell you how much I care and how thankful I am to have. I will forever love you and I will always always always be here. I won’t ever leave you. You and I are super glued together. I know I can’t really help that much but I hope that this makes you feel a little less alone. Well, you’re amazing and I love you forever.

High Expectations

So I thought I would do something nice for my mom. I should have been expecting the worst. When I do something nice…most of the time it follows with a complaint about me and arguing. Should have known better.

What I was expecting: I bought some flowers that someone was trying to sell. They were nice and I thought my mom would be happy. I thought I would bring them home and she would say thank you and smile.

What did happen: I bought flowers that someone was trying to sell. I brought them home being all positive, even though I felt tired and not really feeling well. That’s okay though because in my head things were going to get better anyways. I smiled and told my mom I got her flowers and handed them to her. First thing she says is I’m so tried of you all never doing anything. You just walk around like you own everything. Your ungrateful and need to clean up your $&!”. I just turned around so that I wouldn’t cry. Stupid reason to cry anyways. I went to go clean up the mess my family made without saying anything. That followed with more yelling and the whole family just screaming. The only thought running through my head is ” I hope the neighbors don’t hear.” I’m not really sure why I expect so much. Sometimes I wonder why I even try any more. All the things I do…don’t matter because no one notices. I’m and idiot….to expect a simple thank you.

I’m sorry.

I just want to say that I’m a horrible friend. I really don’t want to give up. I was just acting out of frustration and I wasn’t thinking because I was so upset. I don’t want you to feel horrible, and that made me feel like I was useless. That is really one of the only reasons I was so upset. I got upset and I needed to talk to someone I wasn’t going to fight with. I text Brittany and I pretty much told her that I felt helpless and I felt like I lost myself. She called me and I just cried for like 30 minutes. She finally calmed me down told me to clean myself up and forget the world and enjoy my night. I tried to do just that but the problem was I was worried about you and my phone was dead. Tyler charged my phone which gave me battery life. I felt horrible because I was leaving everything on a bad note with you. I want to say I’m sorry that I’m not there in the time you need my most. I’m an awful friend and I’m really bad at being a good friend. I feel my sorry means nothing here and my words of how much I care are equal to my sorry right now because the way I have behaved. I’m going to tell you anyways. I know you’ve heard it all but I love you. I love you more then anyone in the whole world and you make me better. I mean…sometime we bicker and I’ve been told that it happens. We might get frustrated with each other but that’s okay because we know that we will always have each other. I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. I’m never going to leave you. I’ll always be here and you’ll always have me. (At least till I die, but I promise you I’m not ready to die yet.) You really are my soul mate and that makes things harder and easier with our friendship. (I mean soul mate in a best friend way and not the other way.) I think it makes it harder because whatever each other feels or say….we take it to heart and we feel it too. It’s easier because it is comforting in a way. It’s so easy to be around you and without that I would probably all together hate people. You are my strength. What ever mood we have between each other is the strength I have between me and the world. It’s just that way and that’s because I can’t help to care. I can’t help that I care and love you so much. I won’t ever let this go because this is something I’m sure I will never find again. There is nothing better and I love that I have the best. I have to say that sometimes I don’t regret us bickering. I think when we get over the problem…it makes us that much stronger and also it makes me appreciate you that much more. We are stronger then we know/think. I want to help you and I understand that I can’t. Right now I’m having a hard to accepting that and I’m sorry. I don’t want you to keep things from me though. I really would hate that because I feel like if you keep that from me then that means more things will be hidden and well….yah. I’m afraid we might fall apart. If you really don’t want to tell me things…okay. That’s your choice. I can’t make you do anything. Well, i’m going to bed. I hope you’ll text me and don’t forget that I mean what I say. I love you soooooo much. Night or good morning. :)

Pointless

I feel like right now everything I do is pointless. It’s all for nothing because in the end things will only be the same as they have always have been. Why do we even try any more? People will say what they want to say, people will act the way they always have, people don’t change. We just grow. We hope that the comfort that we offer to people will help them or give them what they need to help them selves but they don’t. Sometimes I like to believe that I’m getting better but when the end of the day comes I only see myself in square one. I like to think that I matter to some people but I’m in the same boat. I feel I’m only important to one person and really that’s the only person that I really love more then the whole wide world. That should matter right? It should mean something. I want it to but we both hurt and we both can’t be there for each other because we are in the same boat. We don’t know what is ahead of us. We’re still young and still learning. Life sucks and there isn’t a thing we can do about it. I want to give up. I want it to end. I wish I didn’t think this way but I want it to end. Thank god I won’t kill myself. I’m a bad person I guess for not appreciating what I have but it doesn’t matter any more. Things will always be the way they always have been. I hate it but the sad thing is….it is what it is. 

In the Night

It’s the night that hurts the most. No one else is around and it’s just you. That’s when it hits you. You’re alone and you did it to yourself. I’m trying to fight it but right now…I feel too weak right now. It’s going to take a bit of time. 

“Have a good life……bye.” Replays like a movie in my head.

I just want you to know that you are truly my life. When I really think about my life it is you that I truly care about. Everything else in my life seem so small when it come to you and me. I promise I would never trade anything for you. I know this is pathetic but today I’ve only thought about how much I miss you. I can not help feeling this way. It is just how I feel. I love being able to be honest and open with you. There are some things that I don’t talk about but not because I don’t think I can’t. It’s because I do whatever I can to not upset you. I love to hear you laugh and I love to see you smile. It doesn’t only put a smile on my face but it also makes my heart smile as well. I care and I feel so closed out right now. It’s not really you. I just feel awful when I have to wait till the next morning to say hi or to ask you even a small question. Again you are my life and I’m sorry if my words creep you out. I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to put them. I love you so vary much. I feel so vary pathetic when I tell you things like that. You are my weak spot and there isn’t any way to fix that. Thank you do very much for being my superstar best friend. If you ever just wanna say hi go ahead. I pick you every time. Miss you. ( This was just me telling you I’ve been thinking about you all day and I miss you. Not a OMG what is wrong with us? )

Reply

It doesn’t matter what you’re doing to me. I don’t care about that as much as I care about being there for you. I hate that you’re just giving up like this. You can’t just give up now. You’re still so young. We are still considered kids. We can’t give up yet. I don’t mean to make this have anything to do this with me but I need you. I can’t go into life without you. I know I can’t do anything for you but I will keep telling you how much I care until you start trying again. You wouldn’t allow me to give up so why would I ever let you? Wouldn’t make any sense to just let you go ahead and quit. I care. I’m sorry that I’m bad at being the answer.

I love you.

I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I’m trying to stay positive but the truth is I feel like I’m slowly drifting away from everything in my life. I can’t ever seem to keep myself in this mode. I get tired and I promise I’m trying to figure you out. I have no idea what to do and I care so much about you. When you hurt I hurt. It’s just the way things work. I can’t help it. I feel like I’m losing you and I have been feeling this way for at least two weeks. I feel like when I leave you be, you think that i’m running away from you or giving up. I feel like when I say something positive towards you or tell you something it doesn’t really matter or you just don’t really care. I understand that you have a lot going on but please don’t be so hard on yourself. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m scared to say I’m here for you because I know you don’t like to hear it, but at the same time I feel you don’t think I care. Like you don’t see that I’m trying, like you don’t see me here. I’m sorry i’m a bad friend. I’m sorry I’m not what you need right now and I’m sorry for everything that I say wrong. I’m human and i’m trying. I won’t run but I can’t take this feeling of not being able to say what I want to say to you, feel how I want to feel, and pretend with you. I guess I must do what I must for now I guess.